The Surface Calm and the Deeper Struggle
She sat across from me with a quiet composure that often masks deep emotional fatigue. On the surface, she was functioning—she had a stable job, showed up to her responsibilities, and kept life moving. But beneath that structure was a growing sense of heaviness she could no longer ignore.
For Helen (not her real name), what finally pushed her to seek help was not one major incident, but a moment that stirred something deeper. A close friend had recently relocated abroad, and instead of simply feeling happy for her, she found herself overwhelmed by a painful sense of being left behind. It brought up lingering thoughts—that she should be further along in life, that she had missed important opportunities, and that somehow, she had failed herself.
As we began to talk, it became clear that this moment was only the surface. What she was experiencing had been building for years.
Helen described feeling persistently sad and emotionally drained. There was a loneliness she could not quite explain, even when she was not physically alone. Her sleep was disrupted, often waking in the middle of the night with thoughts she could not quiet. At times, she felt emotionally unsafe, though there was no immediate threat around her. She admitted, cautiously, that there were moments when she wondered if continuing like this was even worth it.
To manage all of this, she had learned to stay busy. Work became her escape. By stretching her hours and keeping herself occupied, she could delay facing the emotional discomfort waiting at home. It looked like diligence, but it was, in many ways, survival.
The Cycle That Keeps People Stuck
As her story unfolded, a significant part of her distress was rooted in her marital experience. Her relationship had been marked by a repeated and exhausting cycle—periods of intense conflict, emotional and psychological harm, followed by apologies, temporary calm, and then a return to tension. Each reconciliation brought hope that things would change. Each relapse deepened the emotional impact.
This cycle is important to understand. It often creates a powerful emotional bond, not because the relationship is healthy, but because the moments of relief after distress can feel like restoration. Over time, this pattern can make it incredibly difficult to detach, even when the relationship is deeply painful.
Helen struggled with this. From the outside, it may seem straightforward to leave a harmful situation. But psychologically, it is rarely that simple.
Roots in Early Emotional Experiences
To understand why, we had to look further back.
Helen grew up in an environment where her emotional needs were not consistently met. In a large and busy household, there was little room for her to be seen or understood at a deeper level. Alongside this, she experienced early violations of trust that disrupted her sense of safety and self-worth.
When a child grows up without consistent emotional validation, they often develop a strong internal longing to be seen, chosen, and valued. This longing does not disappear with age. It carries into adulthood and can shape how relationships are formed and maintained.
For many women, particularly those who are still single and hoping for connection, this need for validation can sometimes cloud judgment during courtship. Red flags may be minimised or overlooked, not out of ignorance, but out of hope—the hope that this relationship will finally meet those long-standing emotional needs.
In Helen’s case, this dynamic played a significant role. The desire to feel loved and secure made it harder for her to fully acknowledge the warning signs early in the relationship. And once she was emotionally invested, the cycle of conflict and reconciliation made it even more difficult to step away.
This is not about blame. It is about understanding how early experiences can shape adult choices in ways that are often unconscious.
Cultural Pressures and Silent Struggles
Within the context of urban Nigerian life, these challenges are further complicated by cultural expectations. There is often pressure to sustain a marriage, to endure difficulties quietly, and to avoid bringing personal struggles into public view. Conversations around emotional abuse are still limited, and many individuals are left to navigate these experiences without adequate support or language to describe what they are going through.
Psychologically, Helen’s symptoms—persistent low mood, emotional exhaustion, withdrawal, disrupted sleep, and feelings of worthlessness—reflect the impact of prolonged relational stress and unresolved trauma. Her intermittent thoughts about not wanting to continue signal the depth of her distress and the need for careful, compassionate intervention.
The Path Toward Healing
At the same time, there are important strengths to recognise. She has maintained her job despite emotional strain. She has insight into her struggles. And importantly, despite her initial doubts, she chose to seek help.
The work ahead is not about telling her what she should have done differently. It is about helping her understand her experiences, rebuild her sense of self, and develop healthier ways of relating—to herself and to others.
The initial phase of therapy focuses on stabilisation. This includes creating a sense of emotional safety, improving sleep, and reducing the intensity of distress. It also involves helping her see that her responses are not signs of weakness, but understandable reactions to prolonged stress and unmet needs.
From there, the work gradually deepens. She begins to explore her identity outside of her past relationships, to recognise her worth independent of external validation, and to develop boundaries that protect her emotional wellbeing.
Reflections for the Reader
For readers, especially women navigating relationships or hoping to enter one, there are important reflections to consider.
Emotional needs that go unmet in childhood do not disappear—they often show up in adult relationships.
A cycle of conflict, apology, and temporary peace is not a sign of growth; it is often a pattern that needs to be addressed.
And difficulty in letting go does not mean weakness—it often points to deeper emotional bonds and unresolved needs that require attention.
If you find yourself repeatedly overlooking red flags or holding on to relationships that leave you feeling depleted, it may be worth pausing to reflect—not with judgment, but with curiosity.
Healing begins with understanding.
A Journey Still Unfolding
Helen’s journey is still unfolding. But even at this stage, there is a shift—from feeling trapped in her experiences to beginning to make sense of them. And that understanding is where real change begins.
If you are navigating similar struggles—whether within a relationship, after one, or in your personal emotional life—you do not have to do it alone.
You can reach out for therapy support here:
www.thrivelifenetwork.com
- Itunuoluwa Onifade is a developmental psychologist and a family life therapist.
