For many people like Aisha, the journey forward is not about becoming a completely different person, but about gradually building a new relationship with themselves.
Awareness and Self-Trust
The first step is awareness. Recognizing patterns such as withdrawing when things feel too close, delaying action due to fear of failure, or relying heavily on external validation creates room for intentional change. Naming these patterns helps separate identity from behaviour. It shifts the narrative from “this is who I am” to “this is something I have learned, and I can learn differently.”
Building self-trust is central to this process. When someone feels they “do not have a mind of their own,” it is often because they have not been given enough space to make decisions, make mistakes, and learn from them. Practising small, everyday decisions without overthinking them can begin to rebuild this trust. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but consistency creates confidence over time.
Regulating Emotions and Staying Present
Emotional regulation is equally important. Simple practices such as pausing during moments of tension, taking slow, steady breaths, or briefly stepping away from overwhelming situations can help calm the nervous system. These small acts signal safety to the body, reducing the constant sense of alertness.
In relationships, learning to stay present instead of withdrawing is a gradual process. This might involve expressing a feeling in simple terms, even when it feels vulnerable, or resisting the urge to pull away at the first sign of discomfort. Safe, supportive relationships play a crucial role here, as they provide opportunities to experience connection without fear.
Reframing the Inner Voice
It is also important to address the inner voice. Harsh self-criticism often reinforces avoidance and anxiety. Replacing this with a more balanced internal dialogue does not happen instantly, but noticing when the criticism appears and gently challenging it can begin to shift self-perception.
Faith and community can also be supportive when approached with understanding. Spiritual spaces can offer grounding, but they should not replace emotional processing. Growth happens when both inner work and external support are integrated.
When to Seek Support
However, there are moments when self-help is not enough. When overthinking becomes overwhelming, when avoidance begins to limit daily functioning, when relationships repeatedly follow the same painful patterns, or when anxiety shows up physically in the body, it is important to seek professional support.
Therapy provides a structured, safe environment to explore these patterns, understand their roots, and develop practical tools for change. It is not about labeling or fixing a person, but about guiding them toward clarity, stability, and healthier ways of relating to themselves and others.
For women navigating these struggles in today’s Lagos, it is important to remember that needing support does not mean weakness. It reflects awareness and a willingness to grow.
If you recognize these patterns in your own life, it may be time to reach out and begin that process. Support is available, and you do not have to navigate it alone. You can seek professional guidance and begin your journey toward emotional clarity and healthier relationships.
Healing is possible, and it often begins with the simple decision to seek help and show up for yourself in a new way.
- Itunuoluwa Onifade is a developmental psychologist and a family life therapist.
