We’ve heard a good number of people say they’re ready to settle down and so need to, or that they are just looking for a partner.
One aspect often overlooked is the aspect of preparedness. Are you truly ready for marriage?
You see, marriage is more of a journey than it is a destination. In my last article, I gave an example of a lady who was so desperately seeking that she was unable to answer my very simple question of “what next after marriage?” She hadn’t even thought of life after and the kind of home and family she was committed to building. This right here, is where it all starts.
One of the things marriage will require from all parties involved is maturity and selflessness. Here, you’re always looking after others (both kids and spouse) and seeking more ways to make their lives better. This kind of setting will not work for anyone who is self-absorbed, immature and naturally selfish and entitled.
Marriage always sees you putting others first. That’s why we always remind ourselves to take out time to love ourselves just to balance it because marriage just has a way of constantly taking from you. It’s inevitable. Husband thinking of ways to make wife and children comfortable. Wife always thinking of how to be there for hubby and also the kids. So I ask again, “Are you ready to be selfless and give?”
Another thing marriage does is illuminate our insecurities. I don’t know why but in marriage, pretence and deceit are often exposed. Those underlying anger issues, trauma and pain are usually brought to the fore. It is quite uncharitable to drag your family into these messes you failed to fix. You’re supposed to be a complete whole merging with another complete whole. When one whole is broken and fragmented, it takes its toll on those involved. If you’re selfish and entitled, your immediate family will begin to see it in your speech and actions. If you have low self-esteem, marriage will bring it out. A friend once told me she hated men because of what her father did to her mom. And I told her until she heals from it, she must never marry. She paused. Girlfriend actually desired marriage with that mindset. It would have been a crisis marriage with the man constantly proving himself to be different. What are your personal issues? Have you worked on them? Do you even know them?
This brings me to another very important one. Patterns or cycles. These are quite tricky because they’re not easy to spot, initially since they keep modifying over time. But you can find out by paying close attention to what is being said and not said and by asking questions. Even after asking questions and answers are given, you still have to study those answers because the fact someone acts cool and says cool stuff doesn’t mean they’re really cool.
He struggled to pay bills not because he couldn’t afford bills. He wasn’t responsible. What his wife didn’t realise on time was his father was also like that. Never sent any of his kids to school, while being the good guy to others outside his family. This time around, the pattern had modified to the son not caring for his wife and grudgingly doing stuff for his kids. Won’t pick up hospital bill after his son was born, won’t pay estate dues where he lived and verbally told wife she would have to fend for herself and he couldn’t be bothered. He said this and acted it for years until she snapped and left. Cycles.
Another man believed it was the woman’s duty to help the man achieve his dreams while hers lay fallow. Indeed, her dreams and goals were inconsequential. Well, his father also believed the sole purpose of marriage and the duty of a wife was to bear children and nothing more. Patterns.
Find them and fix them.
Sure, you’re ready to get married?
- Joy Mfon Essien is an Entrepreneur and the CEO, of Discover Essence Media, Millionaire Woman Soapworks and Delicioso Foods. Writer, TV presenter and producer, Wellness Coach and mom of two.
