Tolani (not her real name) is in her early twenties—vibrant, intelligent, and once known among her friends as the lively one. The kind of person who showed up, laughed easily, and filled spaces with energy. But over time, something began to shift in ways she could not fully explain.
It started subtly: a little more worry before social outings, a little more hesitation. Then gradually, the anxiety began to take on a life of its own.
She would wake up in the morning with a heavy, uneasy feeling in her chest, even on days when nothing in particular was wrong. Sometimes she could trace it to an upcoming event or responsibility. Other times, it appeared without warning, leaving her confused and frustrated. She described it as a sense that “something is not right”, even when everything around her seemed fine.
When Joyful Spaces Become Stressful
Social situations, which once brought her joy, began to feel like emotional tests. She would make the effort to go out, sit with friends, and even smile through conversations, yet internally she felt disconnected. Her mind would drift to thoughts about how she was being perceived. Was she talking enough? Did she seem different? Would they notice something had changed?
On many occasions, she found herself leaving early, quietly booking a ride home while assuring others she was fine. At home, the thoughts often intensified. She replayed conversations, questioned her behaviour, and assumed the worst about how she might have been judged.
The Unpredictable Cycle of Anxiety
There were moments of relief. Exercise helped temporarily. Distraction worked for a while. But the calm rarely lasted. The anxiety returned—sometimes stronger, sometimes quieter—but almost always present in the background.
What made it more distressing was the unpredictability. Even during enjoyable moments, a thought would slip in: “What if the anxiety comes back?” And that anticipation alone was enough to trigger the very feeling she was trying to avoid.
This experience is more common than many people realise.
Understanding What Is Happening Internally
From a psychological perspective, what she is experiencing reflects a pattern where anxiety begins to sustain itself. The mind, in an attempt to protect, becomes highly alert to any sign of discomfort or potential threat. Over time, it starts scanning constantly—even in safe situations. This creates a cycle where the fear of anxiety becomes just as powerful as the anxiety itself.
There is often also an active inner voice that quietly criticises, questions, and doubts. It interprets neutral situations negatively and reinforces feelings of inadequacy. This combination of heightened alertness and self-criticism can make even ordinary daily activities feel overwhelming.
It is important to understand that this is not a personal weakness. It is a learned pattern of response within the mind and body.
Why Many Young Adults Are Experiencing This
For many young adults today, especially in fast-paced urban environments, this pattern is becoming increasingly visible. In cities like Lagos, there is a constant pressure to be progressing, achieving, and presenting a version of life that appears put together. Social media amplifies this, creating a sense that everyone else is moving forward while one is somehow falling behind.
Periods of disruption, such as major life transitions or seasons of isolation, can also deepen this experience. When daily structure is lost and uncertainty increases, the mind has more space to wander, often settling on worry and self-doubt. Over time, the nervous system becomes used to this heightened state, making calm feel unfamiliar.
In many families, emotional conversations are still limited. A young person may be supported materially but not guided in understanding their internal world. As a result, when anxiety shows up, it feels confusing and difficult to manage.
Learning a Different Response
The way forward is not about eliminating anxiety completely, but about learning to relate to it differently.
One helpful starting point is developing awareness of patterns. Noticing when anxiety begins, what thoughts accompany it, and how the body responds can gradually reduce its intensity. When a person understands that a racing heart, shallow breathing, or restless thoughts are part of a familiar cycle, it becomes less frightening.
Simple regulation practices can also help. Slowing down the breath, even for a few minutes, signals safety to the body. Gentle movement, such as walking, can release built-up tension. These are not quick fixes, but consistent practices that support the nervous system over time.
It is also important to gently challenge the inner narrative. Thoughts such as “something is wrong” or “they must be judging me” often feel true in the moment, but they are not always accurate reflections of reality. Learning to question these thoughts creates space for more balanced perspectives.
Equally important is rebuilding a sense of structure and meaning in daily life. Having small, consistent activities that create a sense of progress can reduce the feeling of being stuck, which often feeds anxiety.
When to Seek Support
For some, these steps may bring gradual relief. For others—especially when anxiety feels persistent, overwhelming, or begins to interfere with daily functioning—professional support becomes important. Therapy provides a space to explore these patterns more deeply, understand their origins, and develop tailored strategies for managing them.
A Reassuring Perspective
What many people need to hear is this: feeling anxious without a clear reason does not mean something is wrong with you. It often means your mind and body have been under strain for longer than you realise.
With the right understanding, support, and tools, it is possible to regain a sense of calm, rebuild confidence, and return to a life that feels more present and meaningful.
- Itunuoluwa Onifade is a developmental psychologist and a family life therapist.
