There are quite a lot of sad stories making the rounds in recent times on social media about toxic marriages that have led to untold pain and sadness and even resulted in the death and imprisonment of spouses. Two cases that stood out for me were to do with Shimite, the lady from Delta State (I watched her show “African Pot” on TV), and the death sentence of the late Osinachi’s husband. Kindly note that both women in both cases are no longer with us, as their lives were cut short while married to their spouses.
It would seem many women fail to see their partners for what they have shown themselves to be and still live and deal with them as though they are innocent and incapable of harming them until it’s probably too late. Maya Angelou says that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Sadly, many keep making excuses in their heads for bad behaviors and would rather not tell themselves the truth.
A husband who bullies his wife to change the names on all her property documents to his is a bad thing waiting to happen. One who stays home and waits for the woman to go and work and bring in the money while he takes it all from her would never stop. One who never admits to his errors but would rather blame your reactions will never take responsibility for his actions nor change.
You don’t keep telling yourself they will change or it’s for the better. They’re showing you who they are, but you’re refusing to see.
Wake up!
The moment you understand how bad the situation you are in, there are a few things to set in motion. Kindly note this is not for a physically abusive situation. In the case where there’s violence, what you need to do is get out fast!
When the abuse is subtle, the first thing to do is withdraw and study the situation. You need to understand the mess you’re dealing with to be able to navigate.
After which you get external support. Support can come from family, friends, or a group that’s equipped for such. You’ll need it for moments of weakness and confusion. They’ll provide you with the clarity you need.
There’s the need to limit access. It’s information they have about you that they’ll use against you. So now’s the time to keep those details to yourself. Don’t share your good news, plans, or intentions with them. In fact, get all your valuable documents, certificates, and credentials out of the house to somewhere safe.
Setting boundaries is a must. This is for your protection. It would help you avoid scenarios that can trigger you. When you see where a situation is headed, find ways to steer it away. In setting boundaries, you’re clear about what you want and don’t want. What is acceptable and what isn’t. State them and insist on them. Never back down.
You will eventually walk away; I mean, that’s where this will all lead to, but you have to be mentally, spiritually, and financially ready, so come up with a plan.
Many times, when they’ve tried unsuccessfully to break you psychologically, they will go physical. But before it gets to this, you’re already out of there, hopefully.
And this is where you cut off contact. You don’t need that closure. You may never get that apology. And it’s fine, really. This is that part where you move on. Go get that therapy and heal. Address personal issues from the root up.
Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Celebrate yourself. Learn from your mistakes, but please, for the love of God, don’t repeat them.
- Joy Mfon Essien is an Entrepreneur and the CEO, of Discover Essence Media, Millionaire Woman Soapworks and Delicioso Foods. Writer, TV presenter and producer, Wellness Coach and mom of two.
