
I had a big breakthrough in therapy last week and all my journaling assignments kept taking me back to our relationship.
I know we agreed that my being 12 years older than you wasn’t a big deal (and maybe it wasn’t) but last week’s session and inquiry revealed that it is a big deal for me, I just didn’t consciously know this at the time.
It’s interesting how these sessions keep pulling you back into my head.
After last week’s breakthrough session, I realized why I date younger men. Turns out, it’s a trauma response. Who knew?
As a Nigerian girl born and raised in Nigeria, I didn’t have much say in my life. My mum decided early I was going to be a housewife and there was a timeline for when I was meant to get married and start birthing children. It didn’t matter if I wanted these things or knew what they meant. My only job was to listen and obey. Lord knows I dreamt of the days I would be adult enough to say no and make my own decisions.
Adulthood gave me some control and I stretched it over every area of my life, especially my romantic relationships. I decided never to be a housewife and also to date younger men and keep the fun times recurrent. I knew it was easier to control younger men than men my age or older.
With you, I could ask for what I wanted without second-guessing myself. My confused girlhood was gone and I was more certain in my life. Or so I thought. I especially liked that I could ask for what I wanted in bed without the need to fake it. I didn’t have to overanalyze how it would “come off” because you were ever ready and eager to please.
I also liked your stamina and energy because as I grew older, I wanted more in bed than I did as a younger woman.
It was always a trip to introduce you to things you’d never experienced. I liked being the one with more to give – the one guiding the way. It felt good to be needed in that way.
But, as therapy has shown me, it wasn’t all as rosy as I made it out to be. Younger men come with their quirks, too.
Like when you started hinting (not so subtly) that I should be spending on you because, you know, “I had it.”
At first, I thought it was cute. Then it became exhausting.
In therapy, I looked inward and realized I wasn’t ready to take full responsibility for myself in a partnership, so I chose someone I thought I could control. Someone who wouldn’t challenge me like an older, more established partner might.
It’s no wonder society frowns on relationships with a significant age gap between an older woman and a younger man. I used to think it was because people were judgmental and didn’t understand. Now, I wonder if it’s because there’s often a lot of unspoken power dynamics at play. Maybe there’s some validity to it—maybe those dynamics play roles in the relationship, even when you think you’re both on the same page.
All of this isn’t to say our relationship wasn’t real. I cared for you deeply, and I still do in a way.
But looking back, I can see how much of it was me trying to reclaim something I felt I’d lost as a child—control, power, safety. None of that is fair to you, and honestly, it wasn’t fair to me either.
This past week had me consciously exploring these patterns and coping mechanisms. And how I showed up in our relationship.
Even though I don’t plan to date for a while, when/if I decide to date again, I will manifest relationships that feel equal, balanced, and grounded.
I want to date someone not because I can control the dynamic but because I get to be a part of their journey and they get to be a part of mine.
It’s taken years (and a few therapy sessions) to understand that this wasn’t just a coincidence. It was a pattern. And it’s one I’m ready to break.
I hope you’re well, wherever you are. And hey, thanks for being part of this journey, even if it was messy at times.
Your Ex-Girlfriend
- Dear Ex-Boyfriend” is a fictional relationship column written by Ese Walter, reflecting on past experiences with a fictional ex. Readers are encouraged to share their own stories by submitting letters for possible publication. Submissions can be sent to esewalter@gmail.com