Happy New Year.
You are probably wondering why I am writing you again as the last letter was supposed to be the last one. It was. And I meant it when I wrote it.
At the time, it felt like the best way to say goodbye and finally close our chapter in my mind and it worked. Until it didn’t.
Because why am I thinking about you… about us… on the second day of a brand new year?
Why am I writing another letter?
The truth is, letting go of writing these letters did not sit right with me. When I wrote that last letter, I felt ready to let you go. And I did.
But as the days passed, I realized I missed writing these letters. It felt like I wasn’t ready to stop writing the letters. I know we are over forever but I don’t want to be over writing these letters. So here I am. In this brand new year saying, Happy New Year and I hope you are really happy?
Do you know that writing to you has never been just about you? It’s been about me as well.
It has been about understanding myself, my choices, and my emotions.
It’s been my way of processing what happened between us and the life we would never have.
These letters have been my therapy, my outlet, my way of speaking the things I don’t like to say out loud.
So, I shall continue to write these letters until I have no more words to write.
I made some New Year’s resolutions. Cliche I know but this time I am going to commit to my resolutions.
One of my resolutions is to go a full year without dating anyone.
I realize that since I started dating I have never allowed myself to be single. For the first time in my life, I want to experience deliberate, intentional singleness and see what that says about me.
When I really think about it, I have never dated for myself either.
I’ve dated because it was expected, because it felt like the natural thing to do, and because I wanted to feel needed.
I’ve been in relationships for reasons that had little to do with what I really wanted and everything to do with what I thought I was supposed to want.
So, in a strange way, I’m glad you broke up with me.
If you hadn’t, I might have followed you down a path I wasn’t ready for, I might have settled into a marriage without ever asking myself the hard questions: Why do I want to be in a relationship? What am I really looking for? Do I even need one to feel fulfilled?
This year, I want to explore those questions. I want to use this time to figure out who I am when I’m not someone’s girlfriend, fiancée, or wife. I want to discover what makes me happy, what fills my days with joy, and what I truly want to do with my time.
And maybe that’s why I’m writing to you again. Writing these letters gives my mind clarity on the relationship and the many ways I tried to change myself to suit what your mother wanted.
I won’t lie, though. Writing these letters hasn’t been easy.
It’s our birthday in a week, and I don’t know if I’ll celebrate. I saw your celebrations last year, and felt a twinge of jealousy. Our birthdays will always be linked, a shared date that reminds me of you and maybe you of me.
I guess you no longer remember.
Still, I wish you well as the new year begins. I hope it brings you everything you’re looking for, even if we’re no longer looking for it together.
As for me –
I’ll keep writing these letters. Not because I’m stuck in the past, but because they help me move forward. They help me find clarity, comfort and maybe one day, closure.
Cheers to another year, another chapter, another chance to figure it all out.
Happy New Year,
Your Ex-Girlfriend
- Dear Ex-Boyfriend” is a fictional relationship column written by Ese Walter, reflecting on past experiences with a fictional ex. Readers are encouraged to share their own stories by submitting letters for possible publication. Submissions can be sent to esewalter@gmail.com
