I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately and I can’t seem to move past one question – was it you or was it me?
I know we have moved on (or maybe it’s just you who’s moved on) and I should probably let it all go but sometimes, especially when I can’t move past why you didn’t marry me, I wonder what went wrong.
What could have been so terrible that we couldn’t work through?
It was your idea to get rid of the pregnancy, remember?
What if this affects me for the rest of my life?
Last night I thought about how we always used to argue about little things. And then those little things turned to big things.
Until we couldn’t talk without raising our voices. Ok…ok… this raising voice part was me more of the time.
Was that it, though?
Was I the one who always pushed your buttons? I know you hated when I raised my voice. I wonder now why I used to do that
On the other hand, you were always on edge, trying to control everything.
I’m not saying you were a control freak (okay, maybe just a little), but I really do wonder sometimes.
What about all the promises you made?
You said you’d change.
You said things would get better.
I got rid of the pregnancy because you said you were not ready.
How did you quickly get ready within a year and married another woman?
Is this what they call heartbreak?
Why was I not enough for you?
Was I ever going to be enough?
Did you ever really love me, or did you feel sorry for me?
Those nights you said, “I can’t picture my life without you,” I believed you.
But when things got tough, you left like I meant nothing to you.
Like the relationship didn’t happen.
Maybe I’m equally to blame, all those times, running after you like a puppy, thinking we could fix it, but you were already done, weren’t you?
Was I too needy?
Or were you just not as interested in me like I thought?
Maybe the answers don’t matter but what I’m really trying to ask is—was it me or was it you that made this relationship fall apart?
I feel stuck in the middle of these questions.
I want to know if I could have done something different or if you were always going to be the one to leave me questioning everything.
I think about you sometimes and wonder why I can’t be mad at you.
I wonder also if you ever think about me.
Do you remember our late-night talks?
The way we laughed until you’d start coughing?
How this is all memory is the other thing I need to come to terms with.
I know you’re married now, living your life with someone else.
I’m happy for you—I really am.
I just wish we had figured it out.
I guess I’ll always wonder what could have been, and maybe that’s just a part of my life now.
Maybe we weren’t meant to be, and that’s okay.
But the question remains: Was it me? Was it you?
Anyway, I’m done now.
I just needed to get this off my chest.
It’s probably a bit late for all this, but here we are.
Life goes on, right?
Your EX gf
Ese
- Dear Ex-Boyfriend” is a fictional relationship column written by Ese Walter, reflecting on past experiences with a fictional ex. Readers are encouraged to share their own stories by submitting letters for possible publication. Submissions can be sent to esewalter@gmail.com
