I remember everything leading to my 40th birthday. Changes in my thinking and understanding. I never stopped to process and understand these things but now, when I look back, I know better.
40 is a major landmark, but the changes begin just before turning 40. Something happens in the life and mind of the 40-year-old woman that many do not understand. Many do not see it coming. Even the woman herself. It’s almost like a switch in your personality. A rebirth. A reawakening. Light.
I want to divide this stage into two phases. The first phase is the evaluation phase. You evaluate everything. From your career to relationships, association, purpose, business, finances, and even marriage. You evaluate choices, beliefs, and norms…and analyse how well they’ve served you. And then you start discarding. Most times, when marriages are brought to the chopping block, those with faulty foundations never really survive it.
The next phase comes with some illumination that brings about redirection and clarity. Now you know what you want, what you have to let go of, what hasn’t worked. You know what you deserve. You discover who you are and what you really do not have time and patience for. What you will no longer put up with, tolerate or continue to endure. If you’ve been treated badly, you discover your worth. It’s a solo process. You go through it alone.
Many husbands are usually uncomfortable and somewhat scared at these changes, especially if they weren’t fantastic spouses to their partner and either start to complain or feel threatened.
For me, after my second phase of redirecting, two things stood out for me. The first thing was I wanted more. More than I was given. More than I was doing at the time. That feeling of operating below capacity wasn’t good. But I just knew I was made for more and I had allowed myself to remain in the shadows for so long. I had no business being in the shadows. As a single girl, I was never in the shadows. It was time to come out and shine. So, I started stretching myself for more. There were some things I used to do that I stopped doing. I went back to them. Others I had always wanted to do, I started doing. I started stretching for more.
The second thing at this phase was growth. I can’t really explain it but I was also hungry for growth. I had these mental projections, and I saw myself at a place much higher than I currently was. New expressions. New opportunities. An explosion. I felt I deserved them, and I was ready for it. So I started saying yes to every opportunity that came my way that was in line with the kind of things I wanted. These included speaking engagements, writing gigs, learning some skills, etc.
One of my friends, at this stage, cut off her hair, picked up her master’s form, and went back to school. When I asked her about it, she said, she looked at herself turning 40 at the evaluation stage and saw so many dreams that weren’t realised. You know how marriage and childbirth can completely derail one.
Another, who had a lifelong passion for shoemaking, evaluated her career, quit banking, and went fully into shoemaking.
Some others reevaluate their relationships. Analyse their marriages and decide it’s time to walk away. If you ever wondered why divorce was higher at these ages or why it is women who mostly initiate it, here’s your answer.
Let me very quickly add that at this stage, you can smell deception and manipulation from afar, so you’re not likely to easily be deceived anymore.
You’re also focused on building what you have decided is most important to you.
You do not care for anyone’s approval.
You are more aware of yourself.
You can manage your emotions better. You’re thinking more this time and not reacting easily to things like before.
You are resilient.
You are intentional about your relationships and who you have in your circle.
You have accepted yourself, flaws, warts, and all. You do not get trapped in comparisons.
You have a growth mindset. Always about how you can get and be better.
After learning that you matter and deserve what is best, you prioritise yourself.
You may have found purpose from the lessons you learned in the last season.
Dear 40’s women and women about hitting 40, let’s clink our champagne glasses
to this season. It’s going to be an interesting ride, I assure you. You’re in good company.
- Joy Mfon Essien is an Entrepreneur and the CEO, of Discover Essence Media, Millionaire Woman Soapworks and Delicioso Foods. Writer, TV presenter and producer, Wellness Coach and mom of two.
