Some weeks ago, I got a quick lift from a lady who was leaving court at the same time I was leaving. She’d actually stopped by briefly to see my lawyer.
On our way, we got into this polite conversation. I noted all the flowers in the backseat and she said she was taking them to her mom’s. According to her, her mom was retired and needed things to keep her busy. First, they got her pets and a few farm animals but she wasn’t managing them well and so they wanted to try plants and flowers.
All these to keep her busy and occupied.
When I got to my stop, I alighted and continued on my way but I kept wondering about that stage of life. A lot of times, we build our lives around our spouses, kids and jobs/businesses that we forget how to practically stop and smell the roses. We get into this rat race and forget ourselves, our hobbies and things that we love. And so retirement comes and we’re at our wit’s end, not sure exactly what to do with ourselves.
In the case of others, it happens when all their kids leave the nest. Suddenly there’s no one to come home to. No one to make meals for. An empty house with just you and probably your spouse.
Now here’s where it gets really tricky. If the relationship with your spouse hasn’t been good, it becomes unbearable at this point where the kids are no longer around to serve as a buffer or your focus. You can no longer hide behind school runs, homework, meal prep… etc
You both, for the first time, have to sit and look long and hard at each other.
See why the rate of divorce with couples in their middle age was on the rise some years ago? Women who stayed because of the kids, despite the pain, finally gained freedom when the kids grew up and left and they took that freedom seriously and ran with it, without looking back.
These days, couples don’t wait that long. Once one person is done, it’s over. But I digress.
You’re now faced with a life that has just you at its centre, and no one else. This is another phase that usually starts off scary and filled with uncertainty.
The really stubborn women who refuse to rediscover themselves at this stage refuse to allow their kids live their lives. They still interfere in their marriages and or just go from one child’s home to the other, welcoming grandkids and just being there for them, acting as a strong support while their kids navigate the work, life balance.
I am not anywhere close to any form of retirement but I like to view retirement as a period to continue doing things I never had the chance to do more of or things I never got the chance to do but dreamed of doing.
In our part of the world, people start feeling and acting old too early. Imagine people in my age group (40’s) already calling themselves elders once they get to the 4th floor. So what then do we call those in their 70’s? And this mindset starts making the 40’s gang act and think old, and start calling those in their 30’s kids and looking down at them. They lose interest in fun activities and call them young people’s activities.
On the flip side, in other climes, I have seen old people in their 80’s and 90’s find love, remarry, travel, go back to school and the like.
I don’t want my kids worrying about me when I’m old, and thinking of ways to help me fight boredom and loneliness. If anything at all, my grandkids would find me so much fun, they’d always want to come around and spend quality time with me. At least, these are what I picture when I imagine my life at 70/80 years.
So while building that business or career, keep your hobbies and other passions close by and indulge in them from time to time. Don’t be like some guy I knew in oil and gas some years ago who talked animatedly and excitedly about retirement and couldn’t wait for it to come and then his last year before retirement, be became anxious and pensive and almost frightened because suddenly he realised he hadn’t prepared for it, wasn’t sure what to look forward to or expect and trying to wish it away. Alas, when retirement came and the organisation threw him and his colleagues a party, the fear and uncertainty was heartbreaking to see. I sat quietly in my corner and observed all these.
So retirement activities can include and not limited to traveling, writing. (Writing is broad. Can be articles, books, movie scripts..etc). Engaging in church activities, mentoring the next generation. I mean, you have enough experiences and lessons we can learn from. You can even lecture. Lecturing is quite noble. If you love learning, you may want to consider going back to school for another degree, Masters or PhD. So many social activities you can facilitate from forming an association for green fingers to book clubs to social causes like saving the environment, women and children advocacy and the likes.
One of the best gifts to gift your kids is ensuring they have nothing to worry about you. All you need at this stage is sound health and if you start being intentional about your health now, by eating healthy, exercising and sleeping enough, your body will cooperate with you in later years.
And pls, stay away from politics at this time. It will put a huge strain on your health. Besides, we already have more than enough politicians who have turned politics to a retirement program. Where the only thing that can take them out of there is death itself. We don’t want any more of that.
Cheers to a wonderful future retirement 🥂
- Joy Mfon Essien is an Entrepreneur and the CEO, of Discover Essence Media, Millionaire Woman Soapworks and Delicioso Foods. Writer, TV presenter and producer, Wellness Coach and mom of two.
