The present-day Gen Zs are in their teen years and early 20s and this is the age where many parents tend to fall out with them, or, should we say, find it difficult to get along with their kids.
There seems to be this giant gully of a communication gap where parents don’t understand them, and they also don’t understand their parents.
I was once at this stage with my parents, and I must say it wasn’t fun. My kids are still very much Gen Alphas, but I’m warming up and getting prepared for their teen years.
It wasn’t fun for me as a teenager because, first of all, I felt I wasn’t heard and understood. Communication is a two-way street where both parties must talk and listen. The talking part, unfortunately, takes centre stage, and no attention is given to listening, which is probably the most important part of communication.
You don’t want your young adult to come away with the feeling of being invincible, alone, and not understood.
Parents need to learn how to listen. In listening, you hear what they’re saying and not saying. Listening means paying attention. It means observing body language. Your teen’s thoughts, concerns, and feelings are very valid.
There’s also this thing we do. Seeing the kids in the light of our expectations, values, experiences, needs, etc. rather than seeing them as the unique individuals that they are. This is the main reason parents in these parts do not understand why their kids want to be DJs, chefs, and event planners when they can be doctors, lawyers, or accountants (professions acceptable in our generation). You may be shocked to find out that a lot of us millennials still inherited this line of thinking from our parents and their baby boomer generation. How do I know this? A few months ago, it was career day at my children’s school. My son wanted to be a sniper, and my daughter wanted to be a DJ. The school didn’t really know what to do with them and their chosen careers. One of the teachers tried to get them to change their minds and go for the regular, and I had to step in right there and insist that they be allowed to be what they chose to be.
This leads me to the next point I want to highlight. Understanding times and seasons. Nothing drives these young’uns crazy like when we not only hold on to mindsets that are no longer serving anyone but that we try to force on them. Times change, and people evolve. While we hold on to ancient values and wisdom that are still very much needed, we mustn’t close our minds to the new. Even businesses that refuse to evolve lose relevance over time.
Also, teens are the first to notice discrepancies between what we say and what we do. Parents should embrace leadership by example, not by instruction. Rather than demand certain behaviours from your children, simply let them see you do it and they’ll copy easily. This means you have become a model. You model behaviours, actions, and speech. Children are the first to notice hypocrisy, by the way. Before others do.
Now this is the most difficult part: letting go. Allowing them to make their own decisions and trusting them to choose what’s best for them This one isn’t always easy, as most parents will always see their teens as the little children they gave birth to in the not-so-distant past. But trusting their decisions with little things, for starters, has a way of boosting their confidence and helping them to trust their abilities. Every now and then, I like to seek my daughter’s perspective on issues. Sometimes I trust her to make little decisions for herself. The last thing you want is to have adults who can’t make decisions for themselves or adults you can’t trust to make the best decisions without your input.
Applauding, Encouraging and Supporting. This is the way I relate to my younger friends. I’m never in a hurry to correct them or give strong opinions on their projects or ideas. I may not agree or understand fully but I make sure I applaud, support and encourage them because that is what they need the most as they’re growing, learning, experiencing and navigating life on their own. Parents will also need to learn this when dealing with their teens and 20s. You can always express your concerns and reservations, but your support should never be in question.
Before I sign out, be sure you’re not a ‘no!’ parent. If your answer to every request is a firm ‘no!’ Then you need to review the effect this will have on your relationship with your child. Whenever anything came up and I had the option to tell my parents, I always chose not to because I already knew what the answer would be. It was always no. So, I either kept it to myself or I went ahead and did it anyway. It was risky, but I was always willing to take my chances. Rather, say no all the time, offer substitutes, grant concessions, and strike a deal. Not ‘no’ all the time.
- Joy Mfon Essien is an Entrepreneur and the CEO, Discover Essence Media, Millionaire Woman Soapworks and Delicioso Foods. Writer, TV presenter and producer, Wellness Coach and mom of two.
