This would be my second article on parenting, and I’ll be drawing inspiration from my relationship with my mom, and daughter and from what I have observed around me.
Raising boys and girls can be both similar and different at the same time. With girls, aside from teaching us to be proper and conform to society’s expectations (this can have its downside), I think more should be done in the psychology of the girl child and this will require a high level of intentionality.
Because of the era my mom comes from, (I’ll call this the era of inhibition), there were limits to everything. Limited opportunities, limitations in career options, limitations in the extent of personal pursuit, goals and ambition, limitations in how much or well one was allowed to express oneself: thoughts, concerns, and expectations, among other things.
The deviants (those who dared to go against the norm), paid dearly for it. They were called forward, proud, and too choosy. They were scoffed at, used as examples of what you shouldn’t be, and most often alienated.
And so I and many of my peers were raised to conform to the norm. To live and be what was expected until some of us grew up and started questioning everything.
We discovered that it was okay to do things differently. To think and act differently. We learned marriage shouldn’t be the destination, as we were made for more. We learned our voices could also be heard in boardrooms where it mattered. And we learned we could be whatever on God’s green earth, we wanted to be.
One thing that became important to me as I watched my daughter grow was the desire to have her see me pursuing my dreams and actually crushing goals, so it would serve as a template for her. She knows all the things I love. She sees me doing them. She sees me excel in them. She sees me earning from them. It inspires her. I decided I would not pass down tales of regret, dreams that weren’t realised, or support/help I didn’t get. No way.
She’s seeing me rise to challenges, and she’s learning nothing is handed or given. You must work for what you want. You must be assertive.
Another thing I’m teaching her is how to believe in herself and put herself out there whenever the opportunity arises. We were out strolling one day, and she saw girls who lived a few houses away. She looked at them, they looked at her, and they all looked away. You know that thing we do. You’d like to be friends but don’t want to take the initiative. I urged her to walk up to them and say hello. She hesitated. So, I started walking in their direction, and she followed. Then I said hi and pushed her forward to continue. It was awkward at first, but the girls were amused, and they liked it. Long story short, they were in our house a few days later, and I got to meet their mom.
I tell her to be assertive. If a question is asked in class and you know the answer, raise your hand and answer. If anyone is called to take up a task, volunteer. This helps with self-confidence and esteem.
Another area I’m being intentional in is embracing and building female relationships. Because we need each other. We understand ourselves better. I know there are a lot of sad experiences out there with terrible people, but I also believe we attract who we are, and the right people will gravitate towards us. So, we don’t see ourselves as rivals but as friends. The Bible says we should be gentle as doves but wise as serpents, so I also teach her to read behaviours, mindsets, and vibes. How to confront issues and when to withdraw.
Boosting them this way helps them not see themselves as inferior to men, inferior in the board room, or inferior to themselves.
It’s sad to see women and girls out there who can’t look into my camera and answer questions. I go out for media jobs, and over 70% of the ladies I meet are not confident enough to speak on camera. It’s even worse, the ones who can’t take a compliment. I tell someone her dress is really beautiful and fits her well, and she’s completely knocked off balance. It takes her a few seconds to get back and say thank you. She was probably shocked to be receiving compliments from a fellow woman._
I think we should compliment ourselves more. We should hang out more and sharpen each other; not gossip and slander. No drama. But hang out to share ideas, network, learn skills and share opportunities.
There are times I get a call, and when I see the name, I get really excited because these ladies are coming up with something good that would make me money, make me better, and overall add some form of value to me.
We can all be like this.
- Joy Mfon Essien is an Entrepreneur and the CEO, of Discover Essence Media, Millionaire Woman Soapworks and Delicioso Foods. Writer, TV presenter and producer, Wellness Coach and mom of two.
