There are many ways to skin a cat. No one is more aware of this than the Nigerian politician. If power seekers devote 10 per cent of the time they spend meticulously planning how to grab power — if they devote just a tiny slice of that time to governance when they are eventually declared winner, the country would have been much better than it is now.
Although the performance of many politicians in office is at best under average, you can bet your last nickel that the disastrous performer would be a superstar in the art and science of rigging the elections to return for another term.
Mark you, politicians are always several steps ahead of the law. When the legal noose is tightened to ensure fair competition, politicians laugh themselves hoarse. Has the human mind devised any law that can prevent a desperate politician from accessing power by all means fair and foul? Let no one be deceived, the new electoral act is a great document, but it will not stop desperate politicians from trying to rubbish its lofty intentions.
Don’t be fooled by all the sanctimonious pronouncements about justice and fair play. With the possible exception of the famed exponent of Amala politics in good old Oyo State, I am not aware of any other politician who would openly own up to hitting below the belt in the full glare of the law. Those were the analogue days of brutal enforcement when terror was an essential component of electioneering.
Now, we have all gone digital. Politicians have updated the Do-It-Yourself handbook of politricks to ensure that there are as many barricades and nightmares between their opponents and the golden goblet. The philosophical assumption underpinning all this is that the referee cannot afford to call out every foul, lest his frequent whistles disrupt the fluidity of the game.
Here, then, is a distillation of the latest DIY brew, fresh and frothing from the political war front where dog eats dog and men do much worse. It is a hodgepodge of old tricks and new manoeuvres, gleaned from the reassuring safety of a computer keyboard. With politicians anywhere in the world, one can never say never, as the world was shocked to find out during the January 6 insurrection at the Capitol in the United States.
You, of course, have invariably agreed that you read at your own risk.
Sabotage
Use every possible means, legal and illegal, to tear down your opponent’s campaign billboards and ensure that only your campaign materials are visible.
Restriction
Using the power of incumbency or the control of law enforcement, reject the opposition’s request for use of all public facilities such as stadia, halls, fields, public parks etc. More creatively, declare a curfew on the eve of the opponent’s campaign and declare a state-wide sit-at-home the next day for environmental cleaning. Prevent your opponents from enjoying municipal facilities in your area of influence— state, local government area, constituency, ward, etc. For example, make sure that public power supply to the venue of their campaign rally is disrupted throughout the time slated for the event. Only weak incumbents allow their opponents to campaign freely. And when they come to your state, pull federal strings to shut down the airport. They deserve to be stranded.
PVC Purchase
Buy up permanent voters’ cards from your opponent’s stronghold. Although you can’t use the cards on election day, you have at least succeeded in reducing the number of votes your opponent can score right inside his turf.
Vend Terror
Since the electoral umpire’s tendency is to cancel elections wherever violence disrupts the process, a few trucks loaded with vendors of terror will ensure that voters in your opponent’s base vote with their feet on E-Day.
Stomach Infrastructure
A sure-fire way of winning the votes of the impoverished is to provide a couple of meals for them through the time-tested instrumentality of stomach infrastructure. Vote for us and cook a pot of soup. But you have to monitor the beneficiaries on E-Day — and that is no longer as easy as it used to be, with the prevailing rumour that security agents are determined to level the playing field.
Cash-and-Carry
Just load trusted lieutenants with cash to patrol polling booths and buy up the voters and their votes. Warning: You have to give them a close tackle, otherwise they could collect your cash and vote the other way.
Arrest
Orchestrate the arrest of principal members of the opposition in the run up to E-Day. Keep their principal officers busy with bail applications while you put finishing touches to your rigging machine.
Hijack materials
Hijack and destroy electoral materials meant for your opponent’s stronghold. When their supporters can’t vote, they can’t win.
Fear Mongering
Threaten death on voters that turn up in the opponent’s stronghold on E-Day. Where possible, show them a few samples before E-Day.
Star Wars
Realising that you are battling not only against powers of this earth but also principalities and powers of darkness in high places, it is advisable that you retain the services of powerful marabous, seers, prophets and witchdoctors. It is better to maintain as wide a spiritual selection as possible. In this game, you’ve got to win at all costs, both physically and spiritually.
Intimidate with influence
Don’t keep people guessing about your influence in the scheme of things. Routinely have soldiers carry out guard duties in your residence and ensure that their presence is advertised. If you can, get bullion vans to deliver sacks of money to your campaign headquarters or your home to send a coded message to the opposition: You’re miles ahead of them all.
Digital Banditry
Get a well paid team of cyber-wizards to break into INEC servers before E-Day so that they can subsequently edit results and alter postings as desired by your strategic team. Remember that INEC Chairman, Prof Mahmood Yakubu, has revealed how hackers from Asia launched several cyber attacks on its portal during the Ekiti/Osun governorship election but were conquered. If you have a good cyber team, they can link up with their colleagues in any part of the world and pick your opponent’s pocket from yonder.
According to the INEC boss, “In the Anambra governorship election, we did not drop the link for the uploading of results until around 5:30pm because there were several spikes early in the morning— consistent attacks. So we had to build another dummy system to divert the attention of the hackers. But even so in Anambra by 11pm people knew the outcome of the election. So people will continue to attack the system and we will continue to be one step ahead of them. And so far I am glad to note that all the attempts to hack our system failed. Anybody operating a web portal understands the risk of attacks so we have to be a step ahead of them.” Every politician knows that INEC has to be right 100 percent of the time while the politician’s hacker needs to be right only once.
Appoint Sole Administrators
If you’re lucky to have the power of incumbency, get the legislature to legalise the dissolution of local government councils and appoint your enforcers as sole administrators.
Deletion
This is used only in the most extreme cases where one candidate is absolutely certain that his opponent’s shadow is bad news for his own ambition. It is usually a course of last resort. Everything else has failed. So, a contract is given to professional erasers to delete the source of the problem. If there is a particular foot soldier on the opposing side who seems to be swaying the grassroots unduly, squash him like a fly against the wall. Only the living can contest elections. There is no victory in the grave.
The G-Factor
All the above, of course, is but a fraction of the mischief that politicians can invent in the run-up to the elections. There’s only one thing that exposes the futility of man’s exertions, even at the height of his machinations— the G Factor.
The Ultimate G is the godfather of godfathers.
Now, this is not about any particular religion. It is about the Omnipotent, the Unmade Maker, whatever you conceive Him to be. That same God that reduced princes to slaves and elevated vassals to rulership over the ages, is still on the Throne. And He can’t be bribed. He does not need anything man has to offer. Neither can He be out-rigged. He uses the foolish things of this world to confound the wise. In the final analysis, His will, and His alone, will be done.
But who will interpret all of this to our politicians?
- Wole Olaoye is a Public Relations consultant and veteran journalist. He can be reached at wole.olaoye@gmail.com, Twitter: @wole_olaoye; Instagram: woleola2021
