Diary of a Single-Mum
When I became a single mom, I thought, is it for me? I kept asking myself, who would now date a single mom? I had been in a long-distance relationship for almost two years with my baby daddy. We broke up a few months after my daughter was born and I had not been in an intimate relationship since the month I conceived. My girl was 7 months old and after not being in any relationship for 18 months, I just thought my days of dating were over. I was a mother now and I had settled into the role well and wasn’t even thinking about meeting anyone new yet. I was feeling less confident about my body and out of touch.
Then one of my close friends, Uduak, invited me for a birthday party one day. It was his friend’s sister’s birthday, and I was happy to be in a circle where I was just me, 28 and single like a Pringle.
After selecting a simple dress, (my fashion sense had also taken several seats back since being a mom) I went over to the venue of the house party. I arrived at the party and took a seat while observing the people around. There were no more than 10 people so that helped me ease back into my social self. We were all in our late twenties so most of the topics discussed were centered on things twenty-something-year-olds would talk about.
Uduak and I somewhat led the conversations as we sat outside the house to gist while sipping on Smirnoff Ice and eating jollof rice with chicken and salad. I took the first sip of the drink and froze. Shit! Am I supposed to drink alcohol? My thoughts were racing and immediately went to my baby girl, as if I cheated on her by diluting my fluids with alcohol. Will it affect my breast milk? Why did I drink it in the first place when I could have taken a Malt or a Coke? But I am not breastfeeding regularly anymore so why should I not drink some alcohol after over a year?
I quickly swallowed the drink as I realised I had tuned out of the conversation awhile where my thoughts and I were having an argument. This motherhood ehn! No be small something o.
I decided not to breastfeed my girl that evening until the next day when my body was rid of the alcohol. I joined the conversation, like nothing happened and my eyes kept wandering to Uduak’s friend. He was a good-looking fella – dark skinned, soft eyes, innocent-looking face with very nice dentition. I thought he was cute, but I already told myself I am out of the dating market. Which single guy will want to date me? I thought quietly to myself. I looked away and for the rest of the time I was there, I didn’t think about him. I enjoyed the moment as I laughed at jokes, stood up sometimes to drive a point home as we argued on topics like religion, politics, relationships, and money.
By the time it was 8pm, all the nerves and hormones in my body kept screaming, your baby is waiting for you at home, as if I could ever forget that. I signaled Uduak that I was ready to leave, and he also said he would be leaving too. Everyone else also got up and said they had to go and Uduak’s friend thanked everyone for coming over. Then he turned to Uduak while holding his phone and asked, “Will Jasmine kindly give me her number?”
I chuckled softly but, in my head, I was hysterical. He asked for my number, oh my God, he asked for my number! I felt like I won something that night, I wasn’t sure what it was, but I took it as a touchdown. I gave him my number after teasing him a bit and getting approval from Uduak.
I got home that night feeling like a girl again. Before now, I only went to the hospital for immunisation shots or to work or to the market or bank and always carried thoughts of my baby with me. That is normal for new moms. Tonight, I was a young woman who had an admirer that couldn’t wait to chat with me and discover the type of woman I was.
I quickly showered and then played with my girl before she slept off. I was waiting for his message to come through. By 10pm, we had started chatting and getting acquainted. He told me his name, Femi, and I could tell he was such a sweet talker. It actually felt very good to be desired. Now, my body began to desire intimacy as it was well over a year since I had hugged any man, let alone kiss. Every part of my body tingled as I imagined kissing him and cuddling. My hormones were raging, and I read on Google that this is normal. I had switched back from mommy mode to girl mode and it helped me become confident in taking control of my fears of not being attractive or wanted.
I told him I have a 7-month-old baby and he said he loves kids and asked me to tell him more about me and my girl. I let my imaginations run wild as we chatted until midnight. By the time we said good night, I laid down and let my cloud of thoughts carry me into this beautiful scene of intimate moments, loving kisses on my forehead and lips. In the middle of my bliss, an insecure thought from nowhere just hit me, remember you are now a mother, Iya Lola. The insecurities flooded my head as I kept analysing myself and the odds of finding love again in Lagos.
I was insecure about my body, stretch marks, cellulites, and all. I didn’t even bother about makeup, making my hair or my fashion style. I felt like I was “fairly used” and just decided to focus on work and my daughter. I was afraid of rejection, so I didn’t even want to try. But as time went by, I acknowledged the fact that I am still a woman with needs and will from time to time, have sexual desires. This was the period I realised that being a mom does not stop me from enjoying my sexuality, as I gradually eased into the work-mom-love balance.
- Omonefe, a single mom of one, is a social entrepreneur who strives to balance work and personal life in the bustling city of Lagos while writing short stories of lived experiences as a single mom.
