By Ibukun Emiola
News Agency of Nigeria (NAN)
Parenting is a responsibility that requires more than simply providing for a child’s physical needs.
It involves guiding, protecting and preparing children for life while creating an environment where they can develop emotionally and socially.
As conversations around modern parenting continue to evolve, analyst have emphasised the importance of discipline in parenting.
They note that, for generations, Nigerians embraced traditional parenting which relies on strict discipline, family hierarchies, and high expectations centered on obedience and respect.
Analysts also note that parenting in Nigeria, decades ago, laid emphasis on the
cultural approach, emphasising societal values and beliefs.
According to them, discipline in many Nigerian homes then was often associated with a raised voice, stern warnings and, sometimes, the cane, contrary to
Western parenting models which emphasise gentle communication and emotional wellbeing.
Some Nigerian parents are, however, beginning to question whether children must experience fear or physical punishment to learn discipline.
This debate has made gentle parenting to find its way into Nigerian homes.
For some, gentle parenting offers an opportunity to build stronger relationships between parents and their children, but others insist that shouting at a child and punishing him for offences must have a place in parenting.
Religious leaders and child-development experts are also offering perspectives on how best to raise responsible children, with some saying that pampering could produce children who lack discipline and respect.
The Nigeria MICS Plus 2023–2025 Survey by the National Bureau of Statistics (NBS) and UNICEF found that 84 per cent of children aged five to 14 experienced at least one form of violent discipline in the month preceding the survey.
Physical punishment was experienced by 74 per cent, while 70 per cent experienced psychological aggression.
Sixty-five per cent of the respondents said physical punishment was necessary to raise or educate a child properly.
Nigeria MICS Plus is a phone-based, longitudinal household survey programme run by UNICEF in partnership with NBS to collect frequent, real-time data on children, families, and living conditions.
The figures perhaps explain why the conversation around gentle parenting remains complicated in Nigeria.
For many parents, there are questions about how to raise children born in the age of advanced technology.
They ask whether it is about replacing the cane with hugs or about determining how discipline, boundaries and respect can be maintained while ensuring that correction does not become harmful or leave room for indiscipline among children.
‘Gentle does not mean weak,’ Mrs Opeyemi Fapojuwo, a parent and lecturer at the University of Ibadan, argues.
According to Fapojuwo, parents should recognise that children of nowadays are exposed to more information and experiences.
She says this should enable parents to establish boundaries early and reinforce them consistently.
Fapojuwo believes that discipline should involve firm verbal correction without necessarily resorting to insults or excessive shouting.
“Between the age of zero and five, you should be able to scold the child without raising your voice or using a bad language,” she says.
According to her, parents should be firm when children cross established boundaries.
Mrs Adurayemi Ojeyemi, a mother of two and staff member of Vine Branch Medical Centre, is, however, of the opinion that some behaviours from children will require decisively actions.
“If a four-year-old climbs a tank, should I be gentle about it? No,” she says.
Ojeyemi argues that some traditional forms of discipline still have a place in today’s child’s upbringing.
Mrs Doyin Bolaji, a mother of three, and a customer representative, says gentle parenting is, sometimes, misunderstood.
According to her, being gentle does not mean allowing children to behave anyhow.
“Gentle parenting does not mean being weak,” she emphasises.
Bolaji advises parents to establish rules and correct children while avoiding unnecessary physical punishment.
She says parents should teach children why certain behaviours are unacceptable and help them to understand the consequences of their actions.
Bolaji’s position reflects an emerging argument among some parents that discipline should be measured by its purpose and not simply by its severity.
Mrs Wumi Ajiboye, a mother of three and public servant, urges parents to combine discipline with friendship.
Ajiboye says she experienced flogging as a child up but wants her children to have a relationship with her in which they can openly discuss their fears and experiences.
“I won’t take rubbish from them but at the same time, I will befriend them to be able to relate well with them.”
She believes that children who can communicate freely with their parents will not depend entirely on outsiders for advice.
Mrs Esther Babatunde, a mother of three and staff member of Pan African University, also advocates balance.
She urges parents to distinguish between correcting children and transferring anger or frustration to them.
A father of two and public servant, Mr Ademola Okunola, believes in the Biblical injunction: “Spare the rod and spoil the child, meaning that parents who do not flog children when necessary will end up spoiling them.
"Sometimes, there will be the need to flog a child to restore his/her ‘factory settings’.
"Appropriate discipline will guarantee a brighter future for a child,” he insists.
Ms Joy Oladejo, a child rights advocate and counselling psychologist, acknowledges that parenting style has changed considerably in Nigeria in the past two or more decades.
She argues that the strict approach used by many parents of past generations helped their children to develop discipline, respect and compliance with cultural values.
However, she acknowledges that excessive rigidity by some parents then left their children timid, fearful and unable to express themselves confidently.
According to her, contemporary parenting seeks to address such shortcomings by encouraging children to communicate and develop confidence.
Oladejo warns against confusing ‘gentle parenting’ with permissiveness.
“When gentle parenting is misinterpreted as leaving a child to have his or her way at all times, it deprives him of necessary structures,” she warns.
She advocates what she called “firm-friendly parenting” which, she explains, combines emotional warmth with setting boundaries.
Oladejo advises that parents should build strong relationships with their children while establishing rules.
She describes the approach as one where parents can validate children’s feelings and still make it clear that certain behaviours will be unacceptable.
She describes the principle as ‘connection before correction’.
She also advocates clear and consistent rules and commensurate punishments rather than punishment driven by anger.
According to her, such a balance will help to raise emotionally resilient and self-confident children who will understand responsibility and respect.
For a Professor of Sociology, Oludayo Tade, parenting should be considered within the cultural context of each society.
Tade advises Nigerian parents not to discard traditional methods for Western parenting models.
He urges parents to place emphasis on good character, responsibility, respect and proper conduct.
“What is important is that every society determines the best way to nurture their children to become the best for their environments and the world,” he says.
Tade strongly believes that traditional Nigerian parenting had always involved both affection and expectations.
He therefore urges that Nigerian parents should retain aspects of their cultural values while adapting their methods to contemporary realities.
Pastor Blessing Aroloye of Vine Branch Church is of the opinion that no single parenting approach be applied to every child.
Aroloye suggests that parents should combine different approaches depending on the child’s personality, age and circumstances.
According to him, parenting should always be rooted in love rather than bitterness, anger or a desire to inflict pain.
He believes that some parents punish their children because of unresolved experiences from their own upbringing, not because they genuinely want to correct the children.
“Parenting is not whether you are soft or harsh; it is a mixture of everything and everything in between."
Aroloye says parents must establish boundaries early and enforce rules consistently, adding that discipline should teach children that their actions will have consequences.
Citing Biblical teachings on child upbringing, the cleric emphasises that parents have a responsibility to train their children intentionally and consistently.
He is convinced that appropriate physical discipline should be used where necessary with the objective of correction rather than punishment.
Aroloye also warns against excessive permissiveness, saying children must understand that freedom comes with responsibilities.
He urges parents to take child upbringing seriously and not approach it casually.
An Islamic cleric, Sheikh Mojeed Abdulkabir, says gentle parenting aligns with the teachings of Prophet Mohammed, which emphasise mercy, kindness and emotional connection.
According to him, children are regarded as a trust from God, and parents are accountable for guiding them toward righteousness.
He, however, advises that being gentle should not prevent parents from fulfilling their responsibility to inculcate moral values in their children.
The cleric stresses that parents are expected to embody the ethical and religious values they wish to see in their children.
“Prophet Mohammed modelled immense tenderness, hugging children and speaking to them with respect and refraining from shouting or physical punishment.
“Emotional outbursts and shaming are discouraged. However, parents must maintain clear leadership to protect a child’s long-term well-being and faith development,” he urges.
An early childhood educator, Mrs Olamide Abiola, describes gentle parenting as an approach centred on love, respect, understanding and patience rather than fear or harsh punishment.
She believes the approach will help children to feel safe, valued and confident.
According to her, when parents listen to their children and calmly correct their mistakes, children are more likely to communicate openly and learn from their actions.
Abiola says gentle parenting also encourages values such as empathy, self-control, respect and re
sponsibility.
However, she says it should not mean allowing children to do whatever they want.
“Parents must set clear boundaries while correcting them with kindness."
She is convinced thag such an approach will help to raise emotionally-healthy, confident, responsible and well-behaved children.
The latest MICS Plus figures show that violent discipline remains widespread among Nigerian children, while the majority of respondents still consider physical punishment necessary.
UNICEF defines violent discipline to include both physical punishment and psychological aggression such as shouting at children or calling them offensive names. It notes that violent discipline can negatively affect children’s development and self-worth.
Analyst urge balance between traditional approach and contemporary approaches to raising children by emphasising discipline and strong moral foundation valued by Nigeria’s culture, with empathy, communication and emotional connection promoted by Western parenting models.
They believe that a successful parenting should not be about being gentle or strict, but about the growth of a child into a responsible, confident and compassionate adult.
Children need guidance and structure, but they also need to feel heard, valued and emotionally secure, analyst say.
(NANFeature)
