You won’t believe what I found out. Or maybe you will.
Since discovering your bipolar diagnosis, I have been studying personality disorders and mental health issues.
I don’t think we have much information about these and I was beyond shocked and also happy to find the information that led me to go for an assessment.
I wondered if I, too, had a disorder I was unaware of, so I booked a session with a therapist. Turns out I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
At first, I laughed. Not because it was funny, but because it made too much sense when I read about its characteristics and how it presents in a person.
Those intense emotions, the fear of abandonment, the all-or-nothing thinking, the way I felt like a completely different person almost daily, the fight-or-flight reactions even when no one was fighting me. I used to think I was just passionate or a little dramatic. But, I have an actual disorder that explains why I felt so out of control in our relationship.
I wish I had known this when we were together. Maybe I would’ve understood why I was so desperate to keep you close, even when you weren’t good for me.
I would have understood why every small shift in your mood felt like a life-threatening event.
How I go from adoring you to resenting you in a span of hours. I wasn’t just “emotional” or “too much.” My brain was wired differently, and I was never taught how to self-regulate.
The other day, your mum, your ex, and I (your ex ex) sat in your mum’s kitchen and had one of the most strangely healing conversations. It felt like closure…. We talk about you, your struggles, and how mental illness has shaped your relationships. It was surreal.
She apologized not just for you but for the way she enabled patterns that hurt you and the women who have loved you. She told me she wished you would stay in therapy long enough to actually manage your bipolar disorder. I told her I had just started therapy for BPD, and for the first time in a long time, I felt hopeful.
I used to think everything was your fault. The hot-and-cold, the walking away, the unspoken tension. But I see now how my own patterns fed into the problems.
How my fear of being abandoned only made me cling harder, making it impossible for both of us to breathe. I understand why our fights felt so tiring, why you felt trapped, and why I felt like I was always chasing you while you kept running away. It wasn’t just you. It was us. Two people with unhealed wounds, playing out patterns we didn’t even know. Or at least I didn’t know about mine.
I’m in therapy for the next year, at least. That’s my commitment to myself. Instead of learning how to love again, I want to learn how to heal and manage my emotions so that they stop managing me.
I hope you find the courage to do the same. Therapy, I mean. You deserve to understand yourself as much as I’m finally starting to understand myself.
Good luck with everything.
– Your Ex-Girlfriend
- Dear Ex-Boyfriend” is a fictional relationship column written by Ese Walter, reflecting on past experiences with a fictional ex. Readers are encouraged to share their own stories by submitting letters for possible publication. Submissions can be sent to esewalter@gmail.com
