It’s Valentine’s Day, and many people are paired up in red and white. Gifts and flower shops are making a killing, and social media is filled with declarations of love. I, however, am here, writing to you. Again.
Writing this letter on Valentine’s Day felt like writing a love letter but this is not a love letter at least not in the way love letters work. I was going to skip writing to you today. “You don’t owe him a Valentine’s Day letter.” I repeated to myself as I put fingers to the keyboard but as I typed the first few words, I realized something—I’m not writing this for you. I am writing it for myself.
For years, I thought Valentine’s Day meant waiting—waiting for a bouquet, a love note, or a grand romantic gesture. With you, I learned that love, at least the way I had been doing it, wasn’t actually love at all. It was a losing game of proving my worth, and bending myself out of shape to please you.
And I hated that teddy you bought on our last Valentine’s Day together. I had tears in my eyes when I got home. The teddy was beautiful but I hate teddies and I told you this at the start of our relationship. Getting me a teddy just showed how much you weren’t listening to my needs back then.
I woke up this Valentine’s Day morning and realize something – I am not waiting for anybody. I am also not going to receive a gift I have to pretend to like. Instead of hoping for love to arrive in a neat little package, I am giving it to myself.
Remember how I always said I had never been given flowers? That is going to change today. I ordered beautiful flowers and they will be delivered today. They are fresh red roses in a lovely bouquet. It’s the kid of flowers I always wish you’d get me without being asked.
I took myself out to a fancy restaurant yesterday and ate something I cannot pronounce. It was the first time I was out at a restaurant and didn’t feel self conscious about how I was eating.
Today, I will do something interesting and memorable for myself because I am deserving of good things.
It’s funny, isn’t it? The girl who used to bite her tongue when she wanted to say, “I need more from you,” is now writing a letter to herself as though she is writing to you. This is not a letter of longing. It’s not a love letter in the way I used to understand them. This is a declaration. I don’t need to be loved in halves, in hesitation, or in whispers. I don’t need to chase. I don’t need to convince someone to show up. I just don’t.
I hope you’re doing okay.
I hope you’re learning the things you need to learn.
I hope, if you’re spending today with someone, you’re showing up fully for them in a way you never did for me.
Happy Valentine’s Day Dear Ex F.
I am my own valentine this year, and it turns out, that’s the best kind of love I’ve ever known.
Your Ex-Girlfriend.
- Dear Ex-Boyfriend” is a fictional relationship column written by Ese Walter, reflecting on past experiences with a fictional ex. Readers are encouraged to share their own stories by submitting letters for possible publication. Submissions can be sent to esewalter@gmail.com
