Everything around you, within and outside your life can be a stressor, from relationships with colleagues and bosses to family members and even friends.
All too frequently, most of the information being shared out there teaches us to manage stress rather than get rid of it.
You see, stress cannot be managed. If you do, it will keep removing layers upon layers from your life until there’s nothing left to remove. It will eventually get to a point where you’ll do something drastic and this could be in the positive as well as in the negative.
When you’re advised to journal. It can be very soothing and relieving. Putting your thoughts into words and on paper has got to be one of the best feelings ever. Same with taking long walks, to get your mind off troubling situations and focus on only the pleasant stuff. And then there’s the breathing exercises. You have them in yoga and also practice them during deep meditations. All these are nice but the thing is, whatever they do for you is temporal. They don’t take the problems, pressure or stress away.
After the temporal high or relief, the stressors are waiting for you to get back to them.
That difficult relationship or boss or tough situation will not vanish after journaling, long walks on the beach or deep breathing. You still have to face these problems and deal with them head-on.
A friend used to work in a very toxic environment. As a chef, the pay wasn’t so fantastic but this was the least of her problems. She still had to deal with a boss who was uncaring, had a caustic mouth and a hot kitchen that was small and not well-ventilated. She continued to complain about it but got no good response from her boss until she started passing out in the kitchen. It was after she was rushed to the hospital and admitted that she was forced to stop managing this stressor and make the difficult decision to quit.
And her boss, who refused to do anything about the hot kitchen, was still upset that she quit.
In the case of a relationship with a difficult partner, I have found setting boundaries to be a lifesaver. The moment I decided to focus only on what was my business and not inherit or be burdened by issues that were not mine, I got redemption. I mean, life felt so much lighter. Many times, all one needs to do is step back and stop being a dump site for the undesirables and the undeserving. A situation presents itself, and I learned over time to always stop and first ask myself before diving in to save the day these critical questions: is this my fault? Is this my duty to fix? It always works magic.
Many times, especially for us women, we don’t know when to pull back and allow situations fix themselves. We always want to be the superhero, always fixing problems created by another.
Setting boundaries is also a means to an end. Sooner or later, when a situation refuses to change and other parties refuse to take their own fair share of responsibilities, you need to sit down and make that tough decision again. I have done my best. Things haven’t gotten better. I’m outta here.
The older we get, the more important it becomes to not just stop managing stress but get rid of it. You’re now at a stage where little things can take a toll on your health. With health, I mean both physical and mental health. You don’t want anything robbing you of peace of mind.
All you’re simply doing at this time is holding tightly to your peace of mind and sanity. Nothing is worth losing it over at all.
Leave all the madness for the earlier years.
- Joy Mfon Essien is an Entrepreneur and the CEO, of Discover Essence Media, Millionaire Woman Soapworks and Delicioso Foods. Writer, TV presenter and producer, Wellness Coach and mom of two.
