Its been a while since I have allowed myself to really think about you and today as I begin this letter, I am calling back memories of what used to be, what could have been and what may never be.
You are married now. For the second time, nonetheless.
I couldn’t stop looking at the wedding pictures when Bala shared the link on our Alumni platform.
I’m not sorry I didn’t attend.
You are the only one that seemed to have moved on from what we had. You moved on so hard that when your first marriage broke up, I was still not an option.
I told myself you didn’t tell me directly because you didn’t want to hurt my feelings. But when I allow myself really think about it, you didn’t want me. It was a whole new level of rejection.
A man I gave my virginity to, aborted a pregnancy for and even ran away from home when he asked me to, abandoned me twice.
When things got good for him, he wanted someone else. And when they someone else left him, he went for yet another.
I think you were right about marriage not being for everyone but between the both of us, I was the one who wanted to be married and you said you wanted to date for fun.
Was it me you wanted to date for fun or were you speaking in general?
Because the way you quickly engaged and married your first wife when we had that fight about aborting the pregnancy, said more than words could.
I sometimes wondered if we would have broken up too if we got married because of the pregnancy.
Speaking of pregnancy, if we had the guts to keep that pregnancy, we would have had a 21-year-old now. Can you believe that?
Instead I am childless and single and you are in your second marriage on your 4th child.
I wonder sometimes. If you are happy. Like, truly happy, not the plastered smiles on your social media photos.
She really is beautiful – Your wife.
I see what you meant by liking your woman a certain way. Your ex and current wife can pass for sisters. I on the other hand seem like a place holder.
Was I the only one in the relationship?
It sometimes feels like the relationship didn’t happen.
Like we didn’t almost have a child together.
Like I wasn’t someone you loved and cared about.
I asked Bala for your number the other day and he said he would get back after asking you but he never did.
I tried in the last 3 years to reconnect with you because I have so many questions that need answering. Answers only you can provide.
My therapist says I need to get another outlet and find ways to get you out of my mind.
I have been exploring writing these letters.
It is easier for me to write them knowing you will never need to read them.
Writing these letters is helping me come to terms with the end of our relationship.
The way I allowed you to treat me.
My true feelings around that pregnancy and a host of other things that have been on my mind lately.
With each letter, I’d peel the layers of confusion and denial our relationship plunged me in..
I will also learn where I got things wrong and explore what change can look like for me.
I will still try to reconnect with you one more time before I finally give it all a rest.
Your Ex GF
Ese
- “Dear Ex-Boyfriend” is a fictional relationship column written by Ese Ark, reflecting on past experiences with a fictional ex. Readers are encouraged to share their own stories by submitting letters for possible publication. Submissions can be sent to esewalter@gmail.com
