(1 Corinthians 7:12–16; 1 Peter 3:1–7)
One situation that many believers in Jesus Christ need the light of the word of God to deal with is how an unbeliever may live successfully with an unbeliever within marriage. The marital condition in which a born-again Christian is involved with an unbeliever is quite prevalent today. Such unbelieving persons may be Muslims, adherents of African Traditional Religion, Occultists, churchgoers, or persons without any religious affiliation. One thing that is common to all these people is that they have not repented of their sins and have not accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour. They are, therefore, still under the control of their sinful nature, and, regardless of how cleverly they disguise it, their lives are characterised by the works of the flesh that Paul mentioned in Galatians 5:19–21a, namely, “sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery, idolatry and witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like.”
Born-again Christians who are married to these unbelievers fall, generally, into two groups. The first group comprises those who started their marital lives as unbelievers. They got married to their husbands and wives when both of them were unbelievers. However, through the work of the Holy Spirit in their lives, who applied the gospel of Jesus Christ (Romans 3:10–23; 6:23; 10:9–10) to their hearts, they were saved and became children of God. Their partners, on the other hand, have not yet received Jesus Christ in their lives. The second group comprises those who were born-again Christians before they got married to unbelievers, in obvious violation of the Scriptural injunction that believers in Jesus Christ should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14–18). Some of those who belong to this second group claim that they got married to unbelievers as a result of their ignorance of the Word of God. This does not, however, prevent the suffering and problems that follow such unwise decisions. But the majority got married to unbelievers with their eyes wide open, meaning that they deliberately, and in a flagrant manner, sinned against the knowledge that they had received from the Word of God.
Whatever the reason for this unequal yoke with an unbeliever, the Christian soon finds out that living with an unbelieving spouse can be very difficult indeed. There are many men and women who wish they could turn the hands of the clock backwards on this matter. For some, their marriages have ended in divorce. Those who have not divorced their spouses are experiencing great difficulties in their marriages. Many simply do not know how to live with an unbelieving spouse.
The Bible offers help to such people, whoever they are and wherever they may be. Two passages of Scripture speak directly to this issue, namely, 1 Corinthians 7:12–16 and 1 Peter 3:1–7. The fact that the Holy Spirit used two key figures among the Apostles of Jesus Christ to write on this subject is an indication of God’s concern for those hurting Christians who have found themselves in this situation. What, then, does the Bible say to Christians who are married to unbelievers?
In the first place, confess your sins to God and receive His forgiveness (1 John 1:9). This applies to those who entered into this union in obvious violation of the Word of God against an unequal yoke with unbelievers. Return to God from the path of disobedience like the Prodigal Son, and you will find God receiving you and giving you the grace and strength to cope with your situation while He works to save your spouse. The fact that God forgives your sin does not imply that your spouse will be saved the next moment, but it is the beginning point of whatever God wants to do in his or her life.
Second, accept God’s view of marital commitment. Marriage is for life. Divorce should never be seen as the way out of an unequal yoke. Paul said that “If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him” (1 Corinthians 7:12, 13). There are many who are being deceived into walking out of their marriages just because they have become born-again Christians. But this is contrary to the mind of God as expressed in Malachi 2:16 where God said, “I hate divorce.” Every marriage is put together by God and that is why Jesus said, “What God has joined together; let man not separate” (Mark 10:9). Some claim that when one of the two partners becomes a Christian, the other partner will defile him or her, and that possibility constitutes grounds for walking out of such a marriage. But the Bible says, “No way!” Let’s hear Paul again on this matter, “For the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.” There is no way a Christian would be defiled by the unsaved spouse in an unequal yoke. Rather, the presence of the Holy Spirit in the born-again Christian overwhelms any form of corruption in the unbeliever and makes their relationship a holy one.
Thirdly, live a godly life before your unsaved partner; let your life proclaim the gospel that you have received. This is where many born-again Christians fail in their responsibility to their unsaved spouses. Someone said, “What you are speaks so loud, the world can’t hear what you say. They’re looking at your walk, not listening to your talk. They’re judging by your actions every day. Don’t believe you’ll deceive by claiming what you’ve never known. For they know you to be what they can see—they’ll judge by your life alone!” Many born-again Christians who assert that their unbeliever spouses are persecuting them because of their faith in Christ are actually suffering as a result of their unfaith in Christ. The Bible says faith and works go together. We can never justify our claim of faith in God if it does not affect our conduct. James puts it beautifully when he said, “In the same way, faith by itself if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. But someone will say, ‘You have faith; I have deeds. Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do’” (James 2:17-18). If believers do not respect the Word of God enough to obey it, unbelievers should not be expected to have any respect for it either. A believer who intends to influence his or her unbelieving spouse for Christ should make sure he or she lives a godly life. Peter said in 1 Peter 3:1-2 that wives should be submissive to their husbands “so that if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without talk by the behaviour of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” He also enjoined husbands to be considerate as they live with their wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner (1 Peter 3:7). The works of the flesh that is characteristic of the unbeliever should not be part of a believer’s life. A believing marriage partner must see to it that the fruit of the Spirit, namely, “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance” (Galatians 5:22, 23b) characterises his or her life. Some women believers who are married to unbelieving men attempt to usurp the position of their husbands as the head of the home on the pretext that they have received a better light. They refuse to submit to them. This is not right. The wife’s duty of submission to her husband is very clear in the Bible and should not be rejected or ignored for any reason. Another tendency that some women believers have is to spend too much time in Church and Christian activities to the neglect of their homes and their duty to take care of their husbands and children. But the Bible enjoins older women in the Church to “train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God” (Titus 2:4-5). Any woman who thinks that her faith in Christ has absolved her of her responsibility to her husband and children has clearly misunderstood the Bible. On the contrary, faith in Christ should make such an individual to serve her family as though she were serving Christ Himself. Many men have complained that their believing wives have neglected the home and have committed the care of their children to servants so that they can attend Church functions. While participation in Church activities is not bad, women believers should get their priorities right and maintain a proper balance between these two areas of their lives: home and Church. Women believers who are married to unbelievers should let their lives so shine that their husbands and children will see their good works and glorify their Father, who is in heaven (Matthew 5:16). In this way, their husbands will readily recognise the value of Christ to their wives and may begin to change their own attitudes towards the Lord.
Fourthly, the believing spouse should learn to say “no” to whatever offends God that the unbeliever may require him or her to do. Some believers have been and are being pressured to compromise their faith by their unbelieving partners in order to keep their marriage. They have given in to their spouses’ threats of divorce. Such believers should note that God must be first in their lives, and it is only God who can keep their marriages for them. No amount of compromise can help in the long run. Many believers are still involved in unholy associations and are engaged in things that do not glorify God because they fear their husbands or want to impress their wives. The Lord Jesus Christ said, “If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me, will save it” (Luke 9:23–24). The implication of this is that whoever will attempt to save his or her marriage by denying the Lord will lose it, and whoever will obey Him even at the cost of his or her marriage will save it. So, when a believer is being threatened with divorce or other forms of persecution by the unbelieving spouse, he or she should be able to say, like Peter and John, “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 4:19). A lot of women have been barred from attending Christian fellowship, which is very important for their maturity in Christ, by their husbands. Such people should be willing to disobey such ungodly orders. But they must be careful that no form of negligence on their part in keeping the home and carrying out other duties is responsible for their husband’s opposition to the practice of their faith.
Fifthly, a believer who is married to an unbeliever should be a man or woman of prayer. Prayer is communing with God. Through prayer, God makes strength available to us to live according to His will in any situation. To live successfully with an unbelieving spouse, a believer needs to pray to God for strength to avoid the temptation to allow bitterness, anger, and resentment to take control of his or her heart. The believer must also pray for the salvation of the unbelieving spouse since the Bible says it is not the will of God that any sinner should perish (2 Peter 3:9). The believer should be persistent in praying for the unsaved partner even when he cannot see any sign that the prayer is making a difference in the person’s life.
Sixthly, when the believer perceives in his spirit that he has won the right to be listened to and taken seriously by the unbelieving spouse, he should allow the Holy Spirit to use him to share the gospel with the unsaved partner. He may also invite his spouse to a Christian gathering where others can share the gospel with the spouse (1 Timothy 2:4; Romans 15:1-3; 10:9–10).
But what happens when, in spite of the believer’s effort to live the Christlike life, the unbelieving spouse does not notice but appears to be going from bad to worse? This is a very real situation in the experience of many people today. It is very tempting for the believing partner to want to give up trying to please the unbeliever and also be careless about their relationship. But this should not be so. Rather, they should develop patience, and understanding, and learn to wait upon God in prayer. A judgmental spirit and insensitivity to the spiritual state of the unbeliever will turn the individual off and make him or her your enemy. Also, do not develop an attitude of self-pity. Through prayer and persistence in well-doing, the believer will reap the fruit of godly living. Don’t take your spouse’s rejection of Christ as a rejection of yourself. The two are not the same, and where they are regarded as the same, enmity develops and all manner of evil has fertile ground to grow.
Your eternal salvation and spiritual well-being are our concerns. If you wish to discuss this subject further or if you have made some other commitment to God, please let us know through the address below. You may also join us in worshipping God in Yoruba language at 7.30 a.m. or in English language at 9.00 a.m. every Sunday.
- Rev. Kayode Ilupeju,
Good News Baptist Church,
47/49, Olufemi Road,
off Ogunlana Drive,
P.O. Box 3781,
Surulere, Lagos.
Tel.: 0803-302-1008.
