I have noticed that often when a parent reports a child to me about something which the child is doing that the parent is not comfortable with, more often than not, when I probe further, it always turns out that the child is just an advanced replica of either of the parent or both parents.
For instance, when a parent complains that one of her kids constantly picks on the siblings or is always being unnecessarily violent towards the siblings, a little probe into the issue often reveals that the parents usually pick on each other knowingly or unknowingly. Though this is not the same for every family, however, in most cases it is usually so.
A parent might be noticing that a child is becoming annoyingly decadent, violent, unkind, etc, without knowing that the child is a photocopy of either or both parents, just that the child might be an advanced version, such that the parent will not be able to easily trace that lifestyle of irresponsibility to himself/herself.
This is why I always advise parents to be very mindful of how they live their lives, this is because CHILDREN LEARN MORE FROM WHAT THEY SEE THAN WHAT THEY HEAR.
As a parent, you don’t just tell your child that it is wrong to tell lies yet when a visitor comes, you ask the child to lie to the visitor that you are not around.
Or you teach your child that fighting is wrong yet you are always joining issues with people in the neighbourhood and even with your spouse while your children watch helplessly.
By so doing what you have done is that you only told the child what to do without showing him/her how to do it and that makes the child feel incapacitated about HOW to implement your instruction.
As a parent, whatever good you desire to see your kids doing, you must model it to them and whatever ill you do not want to see in your kids, you must also show them how not to indulge in such ills by the way you live.
You should not just tell but model. Let what you teach your children always be backed up by your exemplary lifestyle.
This is because if any of your children follow in your footstep, whether good or bad footstep, they will not only do it exactly as they see you do it, they will multiply that deed for you. They will become an advanced version of you.
It is an act of irresponsibility to teach your child(ren) something and then turn around to do the opposite.
Wisdom demands that you model to them how to live responsibly. When they see you do it, it makes them believe that it is doable.
Imagine instructing a child to do something that you as an adult find difficult to do. Telling the truth becomes easier for your child(ren) when you model it to them, they might struggle with lies for a while, but if you keep modelling the truth to them, someday they will definitely come around.
Living a non-violent life will also be easier for your child(ren) if you show them how to by your peaceful lifestyle. They might also struggle with this initially, but someday you will win them over if you continue to model a peaceful lifestyle to them.
I know that there are so many things out there that influence our kids, however, we must learn to always take the bigger responsibility when it comes to raising our children correctly.
The fact that there are many forces out there fighting over the head of your child(ren) should not make you relegate your responsibility to those forces, as a matter of fact, that should provoke you to do better.
With decision and wisdom, you can raise kids that you can always be proud of.
You are your child(ren)’s biggest role model.
If you can model it to them, they can become it.
- Ugoma Johnson is a journalist, published author of 3 books, a social worker, and founder, Teens Empowerment And Rehabilitation Centre (TercHub), a foundation that is saddled with the mandate to curb teenage pregnancy, illiteracy and period poverty, through transformational teachings, provision of school materials and sanitary pads for teenagers in ruler communities.
