Last night, I dreamt I was pregnant with your child.
The irony or is it suppressed memory?
I remember being pregnant with your child – what I thought was going to be our first child – and wishing you’d want it as much as I did.
The dream felt so real, that I almost felt the weight of the life we created together. I held our baby in my arms—a tiny little boy with a dangling neck, and tiny fingers that were pulling his shawl over his face.
The dream started with me in a hospital room, screaming and pushing. I was in labour. I was nervous but also calm, as if I’d been waiting for this moment my whole life. You were there too, standing beside me, holding my hand. I remember the way you whispered, “You’ve got this,” and how it felt like all the strength I needed came from those three words.
When our son arrived from all that pushing and screaming, I noticed you crying. I have never seen you cry before and it was a sight to behold. I smiled as you held him close, tears streaming down your face. You looked at me like I was the most incredible person in the world, like we’d just accomplished something supernatural together. And I guess we had.
Then I woke up.
The room was dark and quiet. I slowly came to the realization that it was a dream. It reminded me of a time I’ve tried so hard to forget—the time I was actually pregnant with your child. Those memories hit me like a brick.
We were young, naive, and in no position to bring a baby into the world—or at least, that’s what you said. I thought different.
I remember the arguments, the fear in your eyes, and the way you kept saying, “It’s not the right time.” I knew you were scared; I wondered why I wasn’t. I sometimes think I should have kept the pregnancy against your insistence on removing it but I didn’t want to upset you further and went through with it, upsetting myself instead.
And finally realizing you didn’t see me as I saw you.
I did it. For you. And for us in a way. I did it for reasons I couldn’t fully understand then and still struggle to justify now. I’ve told myself over and over that it was the right decision, but dreams like last night’s make me wonder what could have been.
Do you think we would have made it as parents?
Would having a child have brought us closer or torn us apart even faster? I guess I’ll never know. Still, sometimes, I like to imagine what it would have been like to see a piece of us out in the world, growing and thriving.
Speaking of growing children, have you had children yet.
If yes, I wonder if you look at them and think of me?
Do you remember that we almost had one of our own?
Or is it just another chapter you’ve closed, tucked away, and forgotten?
For me, it’s not so easy. That dream put me in my feelings and called up big emotions that had me reminiscing.
The dream opened a door I’ve been trying to keep locked. Maybe that’s why I’m writing to you today—not because I expect an answer, but because I want to, maybe need to.
I know that when I do have children in the future, I will think of that first child that never was and I will think of you.
That won’t be anytime soon though. I realize that I still have a lot to heal from concerning you and I will take my time to flush all that out of system before thinking of coupling again with anyone
As always, I wish you happiness and joy. You do know they are two different things right?
Until next time
Reminiscing
Your Ex GF
- Dear Ex-Boyfriend” is a fictional relationship column written by Ese Walter, reflecting on past experiences with a fictional ex. Readers are encouraged to share their own stories by submitting letters for possible publication. Submissions can be sent to esewalter@gmail.com
