Last week I was invited to speak to a large audience of young girls on the subject of sexual perversion. The aim was to show the girls practical ways that they can eschew sexual debauchery.
As anticipated, after my presentation, questions came in and one of those questions is what I want to address in this write-up as it is one that most young people, male and female, and even adults are often caught up in.
So, join me on this adventurous journey as I ride you through the land of CRUSHES.💃💃😂 I know you are as excited as I am about this topic, right?
Without any iota of doubt, I know that most of the people who will read this piece have at some point or the other crushed on someone or will someday crush on someone.
We all, including myself, have at some point had crushes on people we considered worthy to a certain extent of investing our emotions on. 🤗😜🤦
Before we dive into dissecting this topic properly, let’s look at what it means to crush on someone.
SO, WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO CRUSH ON SOMEONE?
You know that moment when you see someone and you feel something special, like love for him/her for whatever reason known to you or in some cases for reasons that you can’t even explain? I mean that person that whenever you come across him/her you feel a couple of butterflies 🦋 move in your stomach and then you begin to wish to be closer with the person or have something personal with him/her, now that is your crush right there. Once you feel this way about someone, it is safe to say that you are crushing on the person.
IS IT BAD TO HAVE A CRUSH AND DOES HAVING A CRUSH MAKE YOU A MORALLY DEPRAVED PERSON?
Crushing is a normal thing that happens to people.
You see, the desire to love and be loved in return is an inherent need of every human, and it is God who put this desire in humans.
So, to answer the above question, I will say that there is nothing wrong with crushing on someone, it is a normal human feeling that you often cannot explain how it came about. That is why usually when you get over your crush for someone, you begin to ask yourself what did I even see in this person that made me go crazy for him/her in the past?
Crushing on a person is not bad and neither does it in any way make you an immoral person, HOWEVER, when the feeling you have for the individual is not properly managed it can lead to moral debauchery.
For instance, when you are crushing on someone to the point where you begin to sexualise the person in your mind (imagining how the person will be in bed and as well as constantly creating romance/sex scenes with the person in your imagination) and begin to do stupid things whenever you see the person then it has become an act of immorality, foolishness and torment for yourself as that can affect you not only emotionally but also mentally if your wishes never materialise.
Most often, crushes never become reality, it starts and ends in the mental realm, and it can be quite devastating to see the beautiful life you have built with the person in the fantasy world come crashing, this happens mostly when you see the person building a life you have always dreamt of building with him/her with another person. Some people even go through real heartbreaks when that happens.
PRACTICAL WAYS TO MANAGE CRUSHES
- BE IN CONTROL OF YOUR MIND: The mind is the breeding ground for heartbreak and immoral acts. The reason someone’s inability to love you will hurt you is because you love them and expect them to reciprocate with the same level of love that you have bestowed on them even though they might not be aware of your love for them.
As much as you might not be able to control who your heart chooses to love, however, you can learn how to manage whatever it is you feel about them. In the same way that hatred can consume you if not controlled, love can also deplete you when taken overboard. Hence, the first step towards not letting what you feel for anyone become the demon that soon swallows you up is to learn how to be in control of your mind by properly managing your feeling.
- PUT YOURSELF FIRST: for most people, putting themselves first is always an uphill task especially when it comes to the people they love.
I know you feel something strong for that person but you need to at least stop and ask yourself if what you feel for the person is more important than your mental well-being. The painful truth is, that no matter how much love you have in your heart for anyone, it will never be as important as your well-being. Love, not reciprocated hurts and can affect your productivity in life. So, you have to come to a point where you either let go or keep hurting yourself by loving someone who may never look in your direction even if they are given an opportunity to.
- UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU FEEL FOR THE PERSON: in as much as what you feel for that person may be genuine, in most cases, it is just a mere infatuation (infatuation is a strong feeling that usually does not last long, it comes so fast and strongly and dissipates sooner). It is a brief but strong feeling for someone, especially someone who is way out of your league, which makes crushes mostly unattainable.
Your understanding of this fact will help you not to hurt yourself unnecessarily trying to prove anything as a way of attracting your crush’s attention. Also, ask yourself if that person is worth investing your emotions on because the fact that you feel a thing for somebody does not mean you must invest your life and emotions in the person.
- CONSCIOUSLY MAKE EFFORTS TO KEEP AWAY FROM THINGS THAT REMINDS YOU OF THE PERSON: in a situation where the crush is someone close to you like a classmate whom you have to see often because being classmates warrants that you see them even against your wish, the most appropriate thing to do might just be to learn how to put up with their appearance. Well, some people actually believe that it is better to talk it over with the person and to let them know how you feel about them and why you have to start avoiding them, especially if it’s a friend who might misinterpret your actions. But, honestly, I’m not sure I can encourage a teenage girl/boy to do that, maybe an adult can because having the advantage of age can help the individual manage whatever comes out of that conversation.
But in a situation where the crush is way out of your league, like when you are crushing on a footballer, celebrity, or movie star whom you might never even meet throughout your sojourn on the face of this earth. In that kind of situation, you will be doing yourself a disservice if you keep obsessing about it. You can stop watching movies that feature the person, unfollow him/her on social media, etc.
- TALK IT OVER WITH A TRUSTED FRIEND/FAMILY: it is always safer to confide in a friend or family with whom you feel at home sharing your burden rather than try to pretend as if everything is alright even when it’s not.
It is said that a problem shared is a problem half solved. You never can tell, you might just be one piece of advice away from being completely talked out of that feeling.
- NEVER BE HARD ON YOURSELF, YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG: as I said earlier, crushing is not a bad thing, it is how you manage it that makes it bad or not. So don’t beat yourself up. It is okay to love someone for whatever reason, as long as you don’t do it to the detriment of your soul/future.
In conclusion, it is normal to love and be loved in return, but I want to remind you that no amount of love or feeling you have for any crush is worth sacrificing your future for. Ask yourself, are you ready to handle anything that comes with being in a relationship at this age, is being with your crush the most important thing in your life now, especially at this young age?
I want to believe you already know the answer to that. In most cases, even if your crush reciprocates your love, it will most likely end in sexual adventures which could affect you in many unimaginable ways, this is why you need to put your priorities right rather than allowing yourself to be consumed by unrealistic feelings for anybody.
- Ugoma Johnson is a journalist, published author of 3 books, a social worker, and founder, Teens Empowerment And Rehabilitation Centre (TercHub), a foundation that is saddled with the mandate to curb teenage pregnancy, illiteracy and period poverty, through transformational teachings, provision of school materials and sanitary pads for teenagers in ruler communities.